Stompin' Apes

We're trying to teach Munchkin to not be afraid of bugs.  He loves to be outside but will run screaming for the hills any time he sees an ant, a bee, a spider, a cricket, etc.  We taught him that he's bigger than ants (or "apes" as he calls them) and that instead of being scared he can just tell them to leave him alone.  This resulted in him "stompin' apes" and yelling "get outta here, apes".

Bees.....well bees suck so we both still run screaming anytime we see one.

Crickets frighten the bajesus out of him (they are quite shifty).

Butterflies are alright with him now.

This morning, Munchkin pointed out there was an "ape" on the ceiling.  I look up and there's a large spider directly above the sofa.  Munchkin tells me to "whack with magagine" (kill it with a rolled up magazine).  The flaw in this plan is I'm 5'2" and can't quite reach with a magagine without the possibility of said spider landing on top of said Munchkin.  So I calmly tell him we'll leave the spider alone and he'll leave us alone, all the while keeping a keen eye on the stupid spider I can't reach to kill.

"Where pider, mama?" Munchkin says a few minutes later.  I look up......where the fuck is the spider?!!?

In the interest of keeping Munchkin calm and not making him freak out and cry, I calmly tell him that the spider probably went home.  Calm, cool, collected.  No big deal.

The dialog inside my head went something more like this: "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. where did it go? It's going to come at me. It's going to DROP FROM THE CEILING and come right at me!!! oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."

That's right; calm, cool and collected.

This is Your Brain on Drugs

Actually, this is what happens when your dishwasher is full, you have a few things left over and hide them in the oven because you have company coming over in 5 minutes, then forget anything is in the oven and pre-heat said oven for dinner.

Maybe next time I'll hide stuff in the microwave.  Ironic since I just posted this a week ago. Apparently this is Exhibit A on why you should check the oven before preheating when you have a 29-year-old. 

Looks like I'll be needing the super sized margarita glass with dinner tonight.

I Have a Problem

When do you know you have an addiction?  Because I'm pretty sure I have one.

An addiction to coffee.

I think about coffee all day.  I wake up in the morning excited because I get to have my coffee.  If for some ungodly reason I don't get my coffee in the morning, my body sends itself into withdrawals and I get a wicked awful headache no amount of coffee can rid me of.

The most telling sign:  I can't wait for my coffee to brew in the morning so I pour myself a cup of the boxed International Delight iced coffee while I'm waiting for my hot coffee.

.....what?  Doesn't everybody do that?

I feel like John Pinette. "I need coffee in the morning or I can't talk.  I need coffee to wait in line for my coffee."

Exhibit A

This is why you check the oven before preheating when you have a toddler.

Conversation between Munchkin and I:

Me- "Munchkin, what is this?"
Munchkin- "I cookin' eggs!"

Of course you are, little man.  Of course you are.

Melt my heart.

Prancercise

When the Hubs gets home from a long week at work, I'm finally able to leave the house alone for the first time in 4 days without a munchkin in tow, this is how I feel inside:



And yes, apparently the above video is for real.  Hard to believe, I know.

Be Still

I usually leave religion and my views on the subject off this blog; not because I'm ashamed and not because I'm trying not to offend people.  I leave religion largely out of my blog because it's a very personal thing for me that I like to keep close to the vest.  I've always believed in God and gone to church on and off most of my life but never understood what it really meant to me until some very challenging things happened in my life.

I went through some really rough times in 2009 and then again when Munchkin was born and struggled in the NICU.  Through these experiences I became dependent on my religion and really started to understand how it fit in my life.  I don't know about heaven and hell, and your definitions of things are most likely very different from mine, but in my heart things are very clear; I don't walk alone.

I'm not a perfect perfect person and I'm far from a perfect Christian.  We're all a work in progress and I just try to be a good person everyday and teach Munchkin to be kind to others, as you never know what fight people are fighting inside.

Sometimes life gets heavy and things seem to be crashing down wherever I look.  When I feel overwhelmed with life and feel like I don't know where to turn, I just close my eyes and be still.

This song is amazing.

My Life According To.....

I used to do this post a lot more.....let's do it again!

Take the songs of ONE artist and answer these questions:
This week I'm using New Kids on the Block. Why, you may ask? Because they're awesome.  And I just saw them in concert again last month and it was freakin' amazing.

Are you male of female?
Cover Girl

Describe Yourself:
Big Girl Now

Describe how you're feeling:
Where Do I Go From Here

Describe where you currently live:
Summertime

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Funky, funky xmas

Favorite form of transportation:
Step by step

Your best friend is:
You Got It (The Right Stuff)

Your favorite color is:
Jealous (Blue)

What's the weather like:
Looking Like Danger

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Hangin' Tough

What is life to you:
Remix

Your fear:
If You Go Away

What is the best advice you have to give:
Dont Cry

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Valentine Girl

Thought for the Day:
Put it on my Tab

How I would like to die:
Dirty Dancing

My soul's present condition:
Miss you More

My Motto:
We Own Tonight

Say what?

You know you're a parent when you start using your child's words for something in your own vernacular.  People look at you strangely when you say "he's watching meows while eating a diggle with his big bankie and his mimi next to him."


.............

Silence.

Translation: He's watching cat videos while eating a popsicle with his favorite big blanket with his pacifier next to him.

What? You didn't get that the first time?

Oh, F*^#

Munchkin was being his wild self the other day and tripped over a corner of the rug, fell, promptly got up and declared "son of a bitch".........  I look at Hubs and tell him that one is his fault.  "I don't say that," I tell him.

Then two days later he held his bag of popcorn upside down and all the precious kernels came flowing out.  "Oh fuck", he says nonchalantly. Hubs turns to me and says "that one is ALL you, babe."

Son of a bitch, definitely time to stop fuckin' swearing.  (Sorry, had to get a last one in.)

First World Problems

My morning is rife with problems....first world problems.

I stayed up too late watching my big screen TV so now I'm tired.
I forgot to charge the Kindle so my toddler is pissed.
And I can't find the granola for my greek yogurt so I have to eat it plain.

Thank god we weren't out of coffee creamer or shit would've gotten real.

No Kid Zone

I just read an article stating some airlines are toying with the idea of making a "kid free zone" on certain flights.  Apparently people are complaining about the antics and attitudes of children on flights.

As a frequent flyer as well as a mother, I understand a bit of where these people are coming from.  I've been on the flights where the 10-year-old just won't stop kicking your chair or the 4-year-old incessantly screams because he or she is bored/uncomfortable/etc.  Sometimes it's a parenting issue and sometimes it's just one of those days.  Sitting by that can be trying, especially if it's a long flight.

On the other hand, kids on planes get a bad rap.  I've been the person receiving dirty looks at the gate when I roll up with my toddler.  I've also been the recipient of praise after landing from people who didn't even realize I had a toddler on the flight because he was so well behaved.

But I think kids are an easy target.  You know what other kinds of "sections" we should have on planes?  No reclining sections.  I'm 5'2" and even I get cramped when the person in front of me reclines into my knees 5 seconds into a flight.

Why stop there? Why not an "armrest stealing free" section.  You want BOTH arm rests?  Go sit in the back, buddy. I'm in an "armrest for everybody" section.

Moral of the story:  If you don't like flying with other people's loud children?  Invest in some really great ear plugs, and I will too because I'm sick of your bitching.

Uncertainty

On, Teb. On. *

Officer Sean Collier was laid to rest today.  To refresh your memory, this is the MIT officer who was ambushed and murdered by the Boston Bombers.  I will not use their names and I really don't care about their politics or the politics against them.

Do you know what I care about?  The fact that another officer was gunned down.  Another police family lost a member who was just doing his job protecting others.  And all of this within days of something else that was horribly senseless and tragic.

As Monday turned into Tuesday, the names of the dead were released, the horrific images of the wounded were published, and then a cop was killed, I started to lose my faith; my faith in humanity, my faith in God, my faith in my country.  How much more of this can we take?  Will there be a national tragedy every six months from now on?  More people going to the movies and never coming home? More students never getting to grow up?  More photos of happy people, happy moments flashed across the screen; the faces of lives cut way too short in a senseless way. It makes me want to never leave the house, never go anywhere, yell, scream, throw things.

I looked over at my son.  My happy, smiling, ABC singing light-of-my-life and felt a pit in my stomach.  This innocent little man screaming his ABC's with this tragedy playing out on the TV behind him, what sort of world did I bring him into?

Then a friend of mine posted a quote from Mr. Rogers.  "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers.  You will find people who are helping.'"

I pulled myself up off the floor after reading this and focused on the hundreds of people who rushed INTO the bombing immediately to help those mortally wounded knowing full well a second bomb was likely.  I saw the man in the cowboy hat clamping down an artery with his bare hands for a stranger where a leg used to be.  I saw cops, EMTs, marathon volunteers, marathon runners, and bystanders creating turniquets from anything and everything to stop the bleeding.

The helpers.

It took two "men" to carry out this atrocity.  In mere seconds it created thousands of helpers, no questions asked, no hesitation.

That is the world in which I'm raising my son.

In the words of Big Papi, Mr. David Ortiz, "this is our fucking city and nobody is going to dictate our freedom."

(*From "Galaxy Quest")

She's Crafty

About two months ago my friend and her husband bought a house.  I made her a housewarming gift, a wreath for her new front door!

I love making these; I'm even thinking of opening an Etsy shop to start selling wreaths.  Any takers??

10 Things Tuesday

1. I'm really excited it's "afternoon thunderstorm" time again!
2. Sometimes it's nice when Hubs is out of town because I get sushi for dinner and watch trashy TV.
3. I'm ready to know where we're going to settle.
4. My faith has been both rocked and strengthened in the past week.
5. Munchkin can now count to 10 (sometimes 14).
6. I watched "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" and I think my IQ dropped a few points.
7. There are mounds, not piles, of laundry in the basement. Ugh.
8. I would run you over for a chocolate frosted brownie right now.
9. Coffee is an addiction.
10. I want to learn how to paddleboard.

Mommy Fail

 Not nearly enough caffeine was consumed today.

Case in point:

Instead of making Munchkin a PBJ for lunch, I made him a PBS...peanut butter and salsa.  The salsa and jelly are in almost identical jars (ya know, except for one is sweet strawberry and one is...well...salsa) and apparently I wasn't paying enough attention.  Munchkin made a face, which I wish I got on camera, and pushed it away, shaking his head saying "no, no".

He understandably didn't want another sandwich.

Gross.  Sorry, buddy.

Need

I believe....no, wait...I KNOW I need this chair.  That is all.

Sports?

I hear the mail lady delivering our mail and I go check to see what she's flung our direction.   (see more about that here).  What do I find?

Fan-freakin-tastic.  It's not bad enough this magazine is so airbrushed that the models don't even actually look like that in person, but how exactly is a parka a swimsuit??

On a positive note, if you can even look past boobalicious for a second, the mail was at least in somewhat of a nice pile instead of being chucked halfway into my living room.

Silver lining!!

Not-so-much Helping Desk

One of the perks of Hubs's job is he has company laptop.  One of the drawbacks of Hubs's job is he has a company laptop.

The latter means when something goes wrong, he needs to call the Help Desk.  What does this mean?

First, it means he calls someone who answers the phone with the thickest Indian accent you've ever heard and says their name is Bill.  It also ends up in general hilarity most of the time because Hubs can't understand "Bill" and "Bill" is reading horribly from a script that pretty much has nothing to do with anything.

This is how the conversation tonight went:

Bill:  Thank you for calling the Help Desk.  This is "Bill".
Hubs: Hi, "Bill".  This is Hubs.  I'm employee number _____ and I'm having a problem with my keyboard.  For some reason, right in the middle of using my computer this afternoon the keyboard stopped working.
Bill:  Alright, I'm going to ask you to anodinokdrenodin.
Hubs:  Um.....what?
Bill: I'm going to ask you to take the battery out and press the power button for 45 seconds, put the battery back in and turn it on again.
Hubs: Oh okay.
(we wait 45 seconds)
Hubs: Okay, now some letters are working but the g, h, backspace, and apostrophe won't work.
(silence)
Hubs: Hello?  "Bill"?
Bill:  Sounds like a problem with the keyboard.

At this point in the conversation, I need to exit the room because I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face.

And the verdict is?  Something is wrong with the keyboard and they're sending a local tech.

Thanks, "Bill"!!

Handy Helpers?

You know you haven't had enough sleep the previous night when you're being cynical and making snide comments about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

The wind here in Michigan last night was absolutely howling.  The 1970's windows on my 1940's house almost peeled away and continued to wake up Munchkin.  Munchkin ended up in our bed a good portion of the night but there wasn't much sleeping going on.

I think we got about 3-4 hours of sleep all night.  Now we're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Mickey's "handy helper" isn't opening the door when his friends knock.  "Oh no, how will my friends get in now, Pluto?"  says Mickey.

"Maybe you should just open it yourself, MICKEY.  Geez."

Yeah....I need a coffee the size of my  head.  And maybe a handy helper.