Cooler Rules

Since Munchkin has been in the NICU I've been pumping breast milk and bringing it to the hospital in a cooler. However, more times than not I forget to put the ice packs in the freezer so I have to improvise.

Frozen peas and corn work the best because it's small and has little pellets that form to the milk bottles. Broccoli shouldn't be the first option because it makes the whole cooler smell like...well, broccoli. And definitely don't use ice in ziploc bags because the ice melts and the bags leak all over the place.

Word to the wise, don't forget to put the ice pack in the freezer!

Praise You in This Storm
-Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus


I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. Every time something starts going well it seems something else happens and we have a set back. If feels like we've been in the NICU longer than everyone else and other kids born at 29 weeks have gone home before us. I not only want him home, I want him to be doing well. I don't want him struggling anymore and I'm getting frustrated. He's being so strong and fighting and I need to stay strong and fight. None of this has been easy, none of this has been fun. The only consolation is seeing his little face every day and watching him grow. He WILL come home, he WILL thrive past this but right now it's been the longest 7 weeks of my life.

Please God, get us out of this storm. Why does it have to keep raining on my boy? Let us see the brighter days soon, please.

Admitting

They say admittance is the first step towards recovery. I have a lot to recover from and have been trying not to admit painful things. Even though I live in the middle of it every day I try not to let the truth creep in, but it's time to start admitting things so I can start to recover from the last 8 weeks (and counting).

Even though it hurts to admit it, I admit:
-I am the mother of a preemie, born 11 weeks and 1 day early.
-I have been terrified for eight straight weeks, since the day they told me Munchkin was coming out early.
-I have cried more the last 8 weeks than I remember ever crying.
-I miss my grandfather so terribly it hurts.
-I believe with my whole heart that my grandfather is in the hospital watching over Munchkin.
-I ask myself and God constantly "why did this have to happen to US?"
-I feel jipped of the normal, exciting pregnancy and birth experience.
-I am not, and never again will be, the person I was when I was 29weeks and 2 days pregnant (the day before I was admitted to the hospital). That woman doesn't exist anymore.
-I live by the quote "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option."
-I'm about to my breaking point and don't know how much more I can shoulder.
-I also know I have no breaking point and I'll shoulder this until I don't have to anymore.
-My faith in God has been shaken but alternately it's been strengthened. I don't know how to get through this without him.
-I will never NOT be a NICU mom. We will graduate from the NICU but I will ALWAYS be a NICU mom; it will never go away from my heart, my soul or my sons beginning.
-I'm terrified.
-I've met some absolutely wonderful people I wish I never had to meet. We all belong to the tight-knit fraternity no one wants to belong to; preemie parents.
-I did nothing wrong to make this happen but I hate the fact my body couldn't handle the end of my pregnancy.
-This has been the most challenging, hardest, rewarding, strange thing that's ever happened.
-I no longer take things for granted. I had no idea how lucky I was to be ignorant and oblivious to the plight of NICU parents.
-I get mad and jealous of the women who are still ignorant and oblivious to this side of having a baby. They have no idea how lucky they are.

Hard Day

Today was a hard day. Munchkin had a fabulous day and that definitely helps (read about him at the link on the left of my page) but I still had a down day. Sometimes I'm happy and joking and laughing; sometimes I'm sad and low and crying. A lot of times both of those can happen within the same hour.

The drives to the NICU are hard and I'm not sure why. I cry almost every day as I drive there to see my son. It's not always necesarily crying for Munchkin, just crying for the enormity of all that I've been through and continue to go through. It seems like every day is a different thing I'm going through.

Today, I miss my grandfather and I'm reliving the terror of the night I was admitted to the hospital. I tried sleeping last night but I felt like I couldn't breathe. My mind kept reliving the 36 hours before I was admitted and I could literally feel those hours; the liver pain that we mistook for reflux, the long, agonizing drive to the hospital filled with pain, the fact we were being admitted and the frightening fact that my pregnancy was rapidly coming to an end 10 weeks early.

And I miss my grandfather terribly. Mentally he's been gone for many years but that doesn't mean his death was any easier to take. I can't imagine this world without my amazing grandfather. I didn't want Munchkin to never know his great-grandfather's laugh and his mischevious smile. Munchkin has that smile and when he randomly smiles in his isolette I imagine my grandfather whispering jokes to him. They have their own inside jokes I think.

Munchkin is doing amazing today. He had a rough few days with his breathing and his events but they found some fluid in his lungs, got rid of it and now he's doing great. He's breathing much better even than before and having very few events. His brain is starting to develop much more and he's getting bigger every day. When he does well it makes me feel so much better.

But I can't shake everything that has happened. I think in light of all that happened all at the same time, I'm handling things quite well. I just can't escape the things that happened and the trauma I went through. I have a grieving process that never got to take place for my grandfather but also for other things. I need to know how to grieve the end of my pregnancy being taken away; I need to grieve the "normal" event labor should've been and the joyous event it usually is and the fact we got neither of those.

Seeing other moms leave the hospital with their babies 2 days after they had them is hard. It seems almost every time I go to the hospital there is a mom and a dad with goofy grins on their faces going home with their brand new baby. Me on the other hand, I'm on my way in to see my son who has been there for 5 weeks and counting. I know I will get my day when Munchkin comes home and it'll be one of the best days ever but I had to work for it a hell of a lot harder than most people. I will be one of those goofy grinned people soon but in the meantime it's hard to watch those other new parents go home with no idea how much it hurts to watch them be oblivious to any other outcome.

Don't Call Me Tiny

I know my son is small. He was born at 30 weeks weighing 2lb 7oz. I know he's smaller than a newborn. You know why? Because he's a preemie and preemies are small. When you look at a photo of him, don't let the first thing out of your mouth be "oh, he's so tiny!" I know he's tiny.

When you see a newborn baby what do you say? You comment on the amount of hair, their cheeks, their eyes or facial expressions. You comment about how cute they are whether you actually mean that or not becaue let's be honest, sometimes it's just lip service. We all know "those" newborns.

How about next time I see your kid I comment on something that's super obvious. You show me your kid and I say "Oh, their head is so big!" or "MY oh MY that's a large child.

Sound good?

This is My December

December was a bad month. To spare some details, let me summarize the shitty month that ended my 2010. My beloved grandfather finally lost his battle with alzheimer's. I was completely torn up and not ready to grieve the great loss. My heart ached for the fact the world lost this man and I lost my wonderful grandfather. Although he had been mentally gone for a long time due to the dimentia and alzheimers, he was still my awesome grandfather who made growing up so fun and exciting.

Two days after his passing, still grieving, I started to get what I thought was severe acid reflux. For two nights I didn't sleep because of this awful pain and on Sunday December 5 I went to Labor and Delivery triage for a pain cocktail as prescribed by my doctor who was meeting us there. Minor annoyance but all in the name of pregnancy. Well, not quite.

Once we got there and they started taking vitals and bloodwork they diagnosed me with Pre-Eclampsia. My blood pressure was sky rocketing and they had to admit me to the hospital. We then heard the most terrifying words we'd ever heard; "We hope to keep your son in for 48 more hours but we'll see how it goes." I've never heard anything more awful in my life. I was barely 29 weeks pregnant and they hoped to keep my son in for 48 more HOURS??

In a few short hours they diagnosed me with severe pre-e and severe HELLP Syndrome. Basically my liver was failing and self-destructing, my platelets were falling making it easier to bleed out and my blood pressure was so high they had to put me on a magnesium IV so I didn't have a stroke. Unfortunately the mag makes you feel like you have the flu but worse. My face felt like it was on fire and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

I got two steroid shots but I kept getting worse and worse. Even sitting still my blood pressure would skyrocket to over 200/110. Even though I was getting worse I held on for four more days to give the baby the best chance at survival. I got him to 29 weeks 4 days pregnant when I started to take an even worse turn. My doctor told me at that point I was so bad they needed to take him out or I would die.

They prepped me for the csection and I've never been so scared. I was only 7 months pregnant, how was this happening??

 He weighed 2 pounds 7 ounces and he came out crying. They told us to expect him not to cry, it didn't mean he was dead it's just that he was so early they had no idea how formed his lungs would be.  But he was yelling his head off; the sweetest sound I've ever heard. He immediately peed on my doctor. And I shed my first tear in 4 days. He was out in the world and it was so bittersweet. He should've still been inside. I should've been able to protect him better. But his cry was strong and that was music to my ears.



They whisked him away to the NICU and sewed me up. They took me to the intensive care recovery room to monitor me for 4 hours to make sure I didn't bleed out due to the HELLP.

The only way to stop the HELLP Syndrome is to deliver the baby but with severe HELLP, that isn't enough to stop the syndrome. I kept getting worse after he was out and was in the hospital for 6 more days. I wasn't able to see Munchkin until his 3rd day which almost killed me. I wanted to see him so bad but my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize enough to let me get out of bed. Finally my nurse got a lower pressure reading and snuck me down to the NICU so I could finally meet and hold my son.



It was an incredibly scary, traumatic experience but our son is doing amazingly well in the NICU. I'll post some updates later but he's doing so well, I couldn't ask for a stronger, more feisty child. He's fantastic and the light of our lives.

RIP

My wonderful, crazy, loving Grandpa Dave died from Alzheimer's last night. June 6, 1926-Dec 3, 2010. You will always be master of the tummy drum, the greatest carver in the world and make the best darn pancakes a girl could have. You made us laugh by making up silly songs with your own words and always knew your way was best, even when that meant destroying Dad's tent so you could get maple syrup out of the tree with the pole. Beth and I spent hours with you "carving" in the basement, even though you gave us something no sharper than a butter knife.

You were the best grandfather two little girls could ask for. You were one of few who survived Iwo Jima with little more than a scrape from a tuna can and your family is utterly greatful for that. Your lessons will be passed on to your Great Grandson who will be here in a matter of two months. He already has your ears and hopefully some (but not all!) of your spunk.

Alzheimer's finally took you away fully but we loved you every second and we know deep down in there you loved us with every drop until your final breath. Nothing can take away a love like you had for us and us for you.

Goodbye Marine, you served us well and we are all better people for knowing you.

Love you and miss your for always,
Your KatyBug

My View

This is my view for the last 2 1/2 days. The Sinus Infection from hell that won't go away is still hanging on and I haven't left my bed for almost 3 days. Little Titleist won't leave the bed either, he's keeping me company. It would be nice to smell...or breathe...or taste. I can't breathe, my ribs hurt from coughing and I'm hoping my antibiotics start kicking in soon.

Damn you sinus infection and being pregnant at the same time. I can't take anything to unstuff my head, I just have to sort of take it.

Two 1/2 days and counting...

A Letter

Dear Cranky-Pants Across the Street-

When you yell at your teenager in the driveway, I can hear you. When you come wadling out of your house to angrily drag in your trash can, I can see you sulk all the way out to the curb and all the way back to your house. When you try to gun-it down your driveway to make it out to the street before me, you make me laugh. When I wave in the mornings and you pretend you don't see me even though you're basically 15 feet away, I won't take it personally even though I'm as big as two people right now.

Thank you for making my day more entertaining.

-Your more cheery neighbor

The Neighborhood

Our street during a beautiful Fall day.

It's Official...

I can no longer see my feet.

I wonder...

So I'm starting to wonder where all the pregnant ladies in Detroit are. I'm starting to grow out of my non-pregnancy clothes so I'm on the hunt for some maternity clothes. I've been on the look-out for some cute, not super expensive stuff and the normal places have almost ZERO maternity section!

Target generally has some cute maternity stuff but the Target here has literally one wall of maternity stuff. Same thing goes for Kohl's and JCPenney. How is this possible??

My question is where are all the pregnant ladies, what do they wear and where do they shop?? UGH!

23 Weeks

Here's 23 weeks. I'm not sure it looks super different from the one before but he IS growing. He's about 15 inches from head to toe now and weighs about a pound and a half. I can't believe it, he's getting so big! Only about 4 more weeks and I'm into the third trimester which is astounding. He's kicking away in there and has turned into a little wiggle worm in there recently. He plays a little game where he kicks back if you push on my stomach which is super funny...well, to us anyway.

I've been feeling pretty good but a little anxious about what's to come. My hips are starting to hurt more and it's harder to sleep. It's harder to get off the sofa, roll out of bed or be on my feet for a long period of time. I know that after about 26 weeks I'm really going to start growing and things will get much harder.

I leave tomorrow for my Colorado shower and I'm super excited. I'm ready to see all the friends I haven't seen in a few months and ready for some chat time with girlfriends!

NY Baby Shower

A few weeks ago I drove my pregnant butt to New York for my first baby shower. On the way there I went through Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York. It took about 6 hours and the drive was GORGEOUS! I was jamming out to my mp3 player and barely noticed the time.

On my way!



Welcome To Ohio!



Progressive Field (aka where the Indians play)



Awesome Fall colors in Ohio


Funny story in Ohio: I stopped to get lunch at a Burger King in the middle of nowhere, Ohio. I ordered my food and handed the cashier my card. She looks at me like "what is THAT thing?" She gives me a blank stare...I say "um, it's a Visa." She proceeds to tell me they don't take cards right now. Say WHHAAA? You don't take cards right now? No, the card machine wasn't broken, they seriously didn't take cards at that moment in time. Alright. Then the guy behind me asks for a number whatever with a large onion ring and the biggest coke they have. And not just onion rings, "Uuuuuunion rangs." I'm sorry, did I take a right at Michigan and end up in Alabama?

Then I forgot to get a picture of the Pennsulvania sign. :(

Welcome to New York!


We had my shower at this great place called Lemoncello. They had amazing sandwiches and the desserts, OMG, they were to DIE for!! I would gladly drive all the way back to Rochester just to get lunch and dessert there again. Yum-o!

One of the super cute onsies Beth got me!! She lives in Maine, so lobster onesie is perfect from Aunt Beth. :)



Beth helping me with the hoards of tissue paper. It was so wonderful seeing her.


Gifts, gifts.


And more gifts!


I didn't get any pictures of just Beth and I though :(

I got to see my Grandpa which was a little hard but I'm very glad I went. He has advanced Alzheimer's and dimentia and it's hard to see him like that but we had some nice moments that made me eternally grateful that I went.

On my way home I went through Ontario Canada because supposedly it's supposed to be faster. In not so many words, it wasn't. After I got through customs it ended up being the exact same amount of time but with the added annoyance of having to sit at customs for 30 minutes each way. And then, it was especially fun trying to breeze through myself with a Colorado license plate, Michigan driver's license and coming back from a baby shower in New York. I got a few extra questions and they rifled through my bags of gifts. It was a lot harder to get back into the U.S. than it was to get into Canada! The customs agents asked me what I had in the bags and it took all my energy not to be sassy with him and tell him it was my illegal drugs. That's all I need, getting my pregnant ass arrested at the Canadian border for mouthing off to Border Patrol!

Niagra River.


Welcome to Ontario


Canada, Baby!


Almost Back to the U.S.ofA.


Bridge to the U.S.



U.S. Canadian Border


Welcome to the back to the U.S. and Michigan!


I had so much fun seeing my family and some old friends again. The baby got some amazing gifts and Mandi and her mom spent way too much on him!! But I loved every second of my time there and forgot how much I miss New York.

21 Weeks

Here's my belly at 21 weeks. It's crazy how big I'm getting so fast! My muscles are stretching and sometimes it feels a little tight. I read that between now and labor my rib cage will expand by 2-3 inches, good lord!! I need to stop reading pregnancy books I think. I know it's supposed to help you know what to expect but it's really just starting to freak me out!

It's starting to be that time in the pregnancy where things really start to happen. You can start feeling Braxton Hicks (which is false labor), your belly really starts to grow, you start to feel more and more tired, etc. etc. The baby is basically fully developed but things just need to mature and he needs to put on weight. From here on out, things start to get serious but closer to having him in our arms.

I've been feeling him kick inside me for a few weeks but this last weekend it has really picked up. He kicks pretty hard two or three times a day, usually in the morning around 10, sometime in the late afternoon and then again about 10 at night. This weekend something pretty cool happened though; we felt him kick from the outside! The first time was right before I fell asleep and it was absolutely amazing. I almost cried because it's amazing to feel him from the "real world" not just in the womb. He's a big kicker and every once in awhile he gives me a swift one. The Hubs has even been able to feel it which has been nice. It's crazy!

So it was almost right at 21 weeks we were able to feel him from the outside of the belly.

Things are starting to progress!

LOVE This Song

I love Brad Paisley, always have. Steve and I always go see him when he's in town and I just love, love his music. I was listening to his CD, "American Saturday Night", today while I was unpacking the DVD's, and this song came on. I was sobbing and cry every time I think about it. :) (in a good way!)

DWTS

I can't believe I'm writing this post but I actually follow Dancing With the Stars this season. Feel free to hang your head in shame. I detest "The Situation", I think Jennifer Grey is awesome and I actually like watching Bristol Palin because she's adorable.

I think working from home is starting to get to me! I need to get out more, haha!

Pizza Today

The Hubs and I tried this new pizza place near our house. It was a Chicago-style place which isn't my favorite. We got pepperoni and artichoke but the longer it's been since we've eaten the more I realize I should've ordered pepperoni and Tums pizza. Sometimes pregnancy ain't so grand.

Earlier Belly Pics

Since I haven't been able to post belly pics in the past, here you go.


5 Weeks, just after we found out.



7 Weeks


11 Weeks

19 Weeks

Here's my belly at 19 weeks. It's really starting to get bigger but I feel like I've actually lost weight. You're supposed to be super hungry during this phase but I'm really not hungry very often.

So far I've had cravings but nothing too strange. At first I was so nauseas all I wanted was buttered pasta with Parmesan cheese. It was like heaven in a bowl and I had it all the freakin' time. I brought it to work one day for lunch and all I could think about all morning was the pasta with butter in the fridge. Around 10:45 I decided I really hadn't gotten much done due to thinking about lunch and 10:45 was close enough to lunch. Heaven, I'm telling you.

Then for about 7 weeks I could not be around a vegetable. I couldn't hear the word, see a vegetable, smell them, anything. The grocery store was like a war zone for me and Steve had to go alone or we raced through like Speed Racer.

Now I can't get enough bagels with bacon and egg or fresh fruit. I could live on bagels and fruit, OMG. Iron Chef was having Battle Pineapple last night and I almost had the Hubs drive to the store at 11PM and buy me some freshly cut pineapple. Yum-O.