Thursday, December 05, 2013

Nobody Said It Was Easy

I told myself I wouldn't do it this year.  I told myself this year would be different; this would be the year I'm just grateful for how wonderful things have turned out.  This would be the year the emotions are only of joy of how far we've come and less about the hurt.

I failed.

It's been 3 years since my grandfather passed away and started in motion the week no one could've ever imagined.  It's been 3 years since a triage doctor said the words no one is prepared to hear.

I was a mess for almost a month leading up to Munchkin's first birthday.  His second birthday was easier but for two weeks before his birthday it was all I could do not to crumble.  I guess this year I'm doing better with it; I didn't have my first meltdown until Dec 3, the anniversary of my grandfather's passing.

Don't get me wrong, watching Munchkin be healthy, so smart and ridiculously charasmatic is so heartwarming and makes everything worth it.  I don't have those feelings of guilt or loss of what should've been anymore.  My pregnancy was never meant to go full term, Munchkin was never meant to be anything other than the feisty preemie he was; that was our destiny, that's our story.  It will always be the way Munchkin came into this world and not only have I made peace with it but I've gained great strength from it and have used it to help others just starting that journey.

What I have yet to heal from is the magnitude of what we had to deal with in those first days between Dec. 3 when my grandfather passed until Dec. 9 when Munchkin was born.  It just gets to me.  Did that really happen?  Did I really almost die?  Did I really have to make those phone calls to my parents, one of whom was in the middle of planning my grandfather's funeral, to tell them I had a rare pregnancy syndrome that was killing me and doctors needed to take the baby out...regardless of his condition, 1200 miles from any friends or family?  How did any of us survive shock after shock?

I'm a highly emotional person. I cry easily and I'm very bad at being able to hide when I'm hurt. Surprisingly, from the moment I heard those infamous words to the moment munchkin was born 4 days later I didn't shed one tear. I was focused, calm, ready to fight for my child's life. Panicking and crying would only make things worse. But once the shock wore off in the following months, I was completely overcome with the enormity of what had happened.

Nobody said it was easy.  No one ever said that it would be this hard.*

Can we just skip the first week in December and go straight to the 9th and just celebrate?  And what a celebration that day is!
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*The Scientist by Coldplay

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