Worst Vacation Ever

Bed Rest: Day 10

I've been on bed rest for 10 days now.  I can't believe it's already been that long and in other ways it feels like an eternity.  I only have 30 days to go.

Being told to stay in bed, relax, read, and watch movies would've felt amazing even just a month ago, especially being the mom to an incredibly active almost-4-year-old.  No laundry? No cleaning? Being able to sleep all day?  Sign me up! But I don't like being told what to do.  You are FORCING me to stay in bed and have someone do everything for me?  How dare you!

It's been an emotional 10 days full of ups and downs.  I swing back and forth between knowing I'm doing the right thing for my health and the baby's health, and then feeling helpless and like a burden to those around me.  Absolutely everything is being done for me from groceries, cleaning, entertaining Munchkin, even down to asking someone to get me something to eat or refill my water.  For someone as self-sufficient as I am, it's so incredibly hard to ask for help let alone so much help.

However, I am determined to give this little girl in my belly the absolute very best start to her life and if that means I have to lay in bed all day and let my mother and husband do everything for me, so be it.  It's not forever; my scheduled csection (fingers crossed I make it that far) is 4 weeks from tomorrow so that's the longest on will be on bed rest.

In the meantime I have oodles of time for things like magazines, books, surfing the internet, online shopping (The Hubs isn't so excited about that one), and catching up on my DVR and Netflix shows.  For example, right now I'm watching White Christmas while updating my blog for you fine people as my velcro cat makes herself comfortable as close to me as humanly possible.

It's not all fun and games though.  I have the habit of over-thinking, obsessing, worrying and with all this time on my hands it's hard not to over analyze everything.  I check my blood pressure probably more than I should.  I worry about the effects of prematurity at whatever gestation I happen to be at the moment.  I think about the date and how LONG 4 weeks feels when my blood pressure can't make up its mind.  I live appointment to appointment and hope my labs keep coming back normal and unchanging.  I pray a lot.

But today is almost over and that's one day closer to having our sweet girl here healthy and chubby.  Every day counts and today is one less day she'd have to spend in the NICU.

Okay, back to White Christmas.  These songs aren't going to sing themselves.  "Snow. Snow. Snow. Snooooooow"

It's A Girl

So to start things off, I'm pregnant. I haven't posted anything about it yet just because life has been pretty crazy since finding out in May. Yes I'm aware it's now November.

My first trimester was pretty awful, complete with dizzy spells, a lot of nausea, and almost debilitating exhaustion on top of taking care of a 3 1/2-year-old.  Luckily my mom and sister moved out to Baltimore and were able to lend such a huge helping hand.

Of course the entire time I have been counting down to Munchkin's gestation of 29 weeks 4 days. Waiting. Worrying. Praying. Things continued to go well health-wise and I thought once the gestation passed I would be happier.

Munchkin's gestation came and went and it was such an emotional and surreal day. It was so weird sitting in my comfy brown chair with Munchkin watching videos as the moment in my gestation I gave birth to him ticked by on the clock. I cried at the exact moment; 29 weeks 4 days at 9:26pm.  And yet I was still pregnant. A minute went by, an hour. Wow, I've never been this pregnant. Or this pregnant. Or THIS pregnant.

What I wasn't expecting was the anxiety I have felt since shortly after that day. I'm on borrowed time. I feel like a time bomb with no countdown clock. I'm doing my best to appreciate what I've accomplished and relishing pregnant since this is it for me.

Tonight I sit here, 31 weeks 3 days pregnant. I'm 2 weeks past when I had Munchkin and this little girl is still inside and growing. However I'm on day 7 of bed rest. More on that next time; Lord knows I have a lot of time on my hands now!

The Puppet Show

"She's been to the puppet show and she's seen the strings."- Cuba Gooding Jr. as Rod Tidwell in "Jerry Maguire"

I was just another pregnant lady among thousands in the 29 weeks leading up to Munchkin's birth.  I did the normal pregnant lady things, thought the normal pregnant lady thoughts, focused on my due date, and went about life totally naive to what was coming.

I became a different person at 29 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy.  I was told I was very ill and they needed to take Munchkin out to save my life.  Everything changed in that moment.  My former self ceased to exist and four days later I became a preemie mom.  I became privvy to things I had no idea existed, or I knew they existed on some level but never really stopped to think about what it meant.

I learned things and saw things in the 11 weeks that followed that I never wanted to learn.  I  met people I never wanted meet.  I became aware of just how scary and dangerous pregnancy can be.  I learned just how many things can go wrong in a pregnancy even in the year 2010.  I was almost 27-years-old, healthy, and things like that just don't happen to regular people like me.  But they do.  It did.  And I met so many other moms who were just like me, like you, like anyone and we all ended up in this abyss with barely a moments notice.

So now I find myself in an odd place.  I'm not naive to pregnancy problems and how bad it can get.  I've been to the puppet show and I've seen the strings, if you will, and now we've decided to put ourselves in a situation where we could end up back in the NICU life.  It's a very strange place to be with many mixed emotions but, in a way, I feel better prepared if not a little sad I can't be blindly optomistic.

But optomistic none-the-less, because I'm pregnant. <3 p="">

Blind

“The baby was so beautiful to us, and I look back at the photos of him and it must have been jarring for other people to come in and see him, but to us he was so beautiful and perfect.” - Actor Chris Pratt talking about his son, Jack, who was born 9 weeks premature.

I instantly teared up when I read this story on People Magazine's website about Anna Faris and Chris Pratt's 9-week-premature son, Jack.  There aren't a lot of mainstream stories about preemies and even less that focus on the positive.

This story hit me right in the heart because his sentiments are right on and so well stated.  It used to bother me so much when the first thing people would say about G-man is how tiny and frail he looked.  I even wrote a blog post about it because it irked me so much.  It wasn't my most eloquent post but it was something that really frustrated me to the point I would snap at people who said that all the time.

And now Chris Pratt has gone and perfectly put why this bothered me so much; because I was blind to how other people perceived him.  When family and friends saw G-man's picture posted to my Facebook page, some commented on how tiny and frail he looked, how all those tubes and machines were scary, how they couldn't believe something so small could function.

When I looked at those same pictures I was blind to his frailty, blind to how scary it was that he was literally skin and bones. But I wasn't oblivious, I just saw something different.

I saw my pride and joy, a piece of my own heart outside my body, my beautifully perfect boy; and this perfect boy just so happened to be small and hooked up to machines.  He was my perfect baby boy first and a tiny preemie second.

Munchkin-Ism

Today's Munchkin-ism:

"My knee has a booboo. I tink I need anoder diggle for that."

Translation:

He got a cut on his leg a week ago that he's milking sympathy from and he thinks he deserves another popsicle for powering through.

Crash Helmet

I am the mother of a very active boy; a couch-as-a-launch-pad, falling down, climbing things, curious, into everything active boy.  Some days it's all I can do to keep up with his energy and his physical play, but knowing where he came from it makes my heart happy that he has such a zest for life.  He's creative and inventive and can make a game out of pretty much anything.

I was not surprised when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy as I had just KNOWN Munchkin was a boy from the very beginning.  I always saw myself as the mom to a little boy and, boy oh boy, I had no idea what I was really in for.

His physical play makes my heart stop.  He's not a "typical" boy that has no fear; he's very careful when it comes to new situations and will absolutely not jump off something unless he's 100% sure he knows what will happen on the other side.  He's a cautious daredevil.  However he finds himself in situations that leave a mark.  For example, yesterday he was rooting through the coat closet while I was cleaning the kitchen. He got caught up on something and fell onto something sharp and plastic that was on the floor.  Screeching and tears followed.  Oh, and Munchkin was crying and screeching too.  There was blood, lost skin and a frantic phone call to my dad to reassure me Munchkin wasn't going to lose his leg.  Of course Munchkin now wants to know all about his boo-boo and look at it all the time.  Apparently not squeamish at all.  I'll spare you the picture of his knee the morning after.

Motherhood should come with a crash helmet.

Launching himself off the sofa last week

She's Crafty

I've been busy spending my free time crafting.  This month is the lead up to Valentine's Day and I'm excited about several of my wreaths but especially the one I made with burlap.  I've never worked with burlap before but love the shabby chic look so I decided to try my hand at one.

In addition to this lovely wreath, I also crafted myself a second degree burn on my finger from the hot glue.  Perhaps it's time to find a glue gun that doesn't smoke when the hot glue comes out......just a thought. 

My house is all ready for Valentine's Day now!  If you want to see my other ones, hop over to my Etsy shop and take a look around. 

It's Just a Phase, It's Just a Phase

That's the statement I need to keep repeating to myself.  I love Munchkin more than life itself, but homegirl is TIRED!

This morning at 5AM

Munchkin is going through some sort of 3-year-old phase.  I'm assuming it's a combination of growing pains and the start of monsters under his bed.  This has culminated in multiple wakup calls through the night and Munchkin not going directly back to sleep.

For instance: Last night he fought bedtime until past 9PM, woke up at 4AM and was up until 4:30AM. He was back up at 5AM and stayed up until 7AM.  He finally passed out about the time the sun came up.  It's 11:45AM and I've been up for almost 8 hours already.

It's days like this I question my sanity of ever having a child (oh those long, sleep-filled nights of being child free!) and wonder what the flying fuck we're thinking of even entertaining the idea of having another.  As I'm trying to bribe my child back to sleep this morning, it's 7AM, the sun is coming up and I'm STILL awake, and I'm saying to myself "to-do list for tomorrow: schedule Hubs a vasectomy".

Good thing Munchkin is cute.

What I'm Loving Now

1. Cucumber Water
     In the interest of being healthier and staying hydrated in this dryer climater (funny on Baltimore is dry. How quickly the body forgets it's from Colorado!) I'm drinking more water....except water is so boring!  I've been jazzing it up a little with berries, mint, lemon lime.  But cucumbers are by far my favorite.

2. Snow, finally!
     One of culture shocks of moving from Michigan to Maryland is the lack of snow in Winter.  That all changed on Thursday when we got 7 inches!  Oh happy day.

3. Wegmans Brand Just Tea Hibiscus Green Tea
     Holy yum, that is all I have to say.

















4.  Skinny Cow Peanut Butter Heavenly Crisps
    Again, in the interest of being healthier, I'm trying to even have my chocolate be healthier.  I'll have a piece of Godiva Dark Chocolate with salted caramel.  Or I have a Skinny Cow.  The bars are about 5 inches long and make me feel like I'm getting more bang for my buck.  It's only 110 calories for the whole bar....seriously.  Plus since it's a little over 100 calories, that means I can have two.  Right?  No? Okay fine, just one.

5. This cover of "Royals" originally by Lorde.
     In the interest of making this post not entirely about food, here's a little diddy for you listening pleasure. I love a good acapella.

My Life According To.......

Coldplay

Are you male or female?
Princess of China

Describe Yourself:
Trouble

Describe how you're feeling:
Christmas Lights

Describe where you currently live:
Violet Hill

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Amsterdam

Favorite form of transportation:
Up With the Birds

Your best friend is:
Trouble

Your favorite color is:
Green Eyes

What's the weather like:
Rainy Day

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Speed of Sound

What is life to you:
God Put a Smile on Your Face

Your fear:
U.F.O.

What is the best advice you have to give:
Don't Let it Break Your Heart

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Viva La Vida

Thought for the Day:
Paradise

How I would like to die:
Such a Rush

My soul's present condition:
Life in Technicolor

My Motto:
Us Against the World

Nobody Said It Was Easy

I told myself I wouldn't do it this year.  I told myself this year would be different; this would be the year I'm just grateful for how wonderful things have turned out.  This would be the year the emotions are only of joy of how far we've come and less about the hurt.

I failed.

It's been 3 years since my grandfather passed away and started in motion the week no one could've ever imagined.  It's been 3 years since a triage doctor said the words no one is prepared to hear.

I was a mess for almost a month leading up to Munchkin's first birthday.  His second birthday was easier but for two weeks before his birthday it was all I could do not to crumble.  I guess this year I'm doing better with it; I didn't have my first meltdown until Dec 3, the anniversary of my grandfather's passing.

Don't get me wrong, watching Munchkin be healthy, so smart and ridiculously charasmatic is so heartwarming and makes everything worth it.  I don't have those feelings of guilt or loss of what should've been anymore.  My pregnancy was never meant to go full term, Munchkin was never meant to be anything other than the feisty preemie he was; that was our destiny, that's our story.  It will always be the way Munchkin came into this world and not only have I made peace with it but I've gained great strength from it and have used it to help others just starting that journey.

What I have yet to heal from is the magnitude of what we had to deal with in those first days between Dec. 3 when my grandfather passed until Dec. 9 when Munchkin was born.  It just gets to me.  Did that really happen?  Did I really almost die?  Did I really have to make those phone calls to my parents, one of whom was in the middle of planning my grandfather's funeral, to tell them I had a rare pregnancy syndrome that was killing me and doctors needed to take the baby out...regardless of his condition, 1200 miles from any friends or family?  How did any of us survive shock after shock?

I'm a highly emotional person. I cry easily and I'm very bad at being able to hide when I'm hurt. Surprisingly, from the moment I heard those infamous words to the moment munchkin was born 4 days later I didn't shed one tear. I was focused, calm, ready to fight for my child's life. Panicking and crying would only make things worse. But once the shock wore off in the following months, I was completely overcome with the enormity of what had happened.

Nobody said it was easy.  No one ever said that it would be this hard.*

Can we just skip the first week in December and go straight to the 9th and just celebrate?  And what a celebration that day is!
____________________________________________________________
*The Scientist by Coldplay

Just Call Me Cookie Floppy-Feet

A fun holiday post for you.

Pitfalls

The Hubs, Munchkin and I recently moved to the Baltimore/Washington, D.C. area due to a promotion and job transfer.

One of the pitfalls of living in a suburb just north of D.C. and about 20 minutes south of Baltimore is the fact there are things here I'm not used to, like federally guarded areas.

I miss my exit almost every single time I come home from running errands.  My exit is not even 100ft from the exit before it; the NSA Employee entrance.....the heavily guarded NSA employee entrance.  Every time I'm coming up to the exit, I think to myself "this time I won't miss my exit. Pay extra attention to the exits. You will NOT accidentally get off at the NSA entrance."

Then it's unnerving as I see the federal law enforcement SUV parked at the exit, and another one, and another one, and another one.  I panic as I pass by thinking my exit is part of the NSA exit, envisioning accidentally going into the NSA area and being swarmed by federal agents wondering WTF I'm doing there with a toddler and a trunk full of Hobby Lobby bags.

It scares the shit out of me every time....but I guess they probably already know that.

F2

I've said it once and I'll say it again:

A toddler is the human equivalent of a tornado.  There's a quote in Twister that references "the cone of silence".  The cone of silence, when referencing a toddler or a tornado, is never good.  When it's quiet, something is wrong.

For example:

This is a solid F2.  This includes sippy cups, cutting boards, and the recycling.

I Be Punkin'

The days of choosing what my son is for Halloween are over.  I wanted him to be a minion from the movie Despicable Me.  He had other ideas.

Three years ago we were 32 days away from having our lives completely turned upside down.  This year Munchkin wore a pumpkin costume, at his request, which I made him.  We spent the evening trick-or-treating and asking for suckers.

What You Make of It

Have you looked at the date lately?  I don't know about you but I cannot believe the calendar reads November 6th.  Halloween has come and gone, cider mills are in full swing, and visions of turkey and Christmas are starting to creep into view.

Facebook is in full with people posting all the things they're thankful for this year.  Even if the posts come off as more bragging than thankful, I'm sure they mean well.  It's also full of people reacting to multiple stores announcing they will be open on Thanksgiving complete with several news outlets asking the question "Greed or Good Business"?

The vast majority of respondents declared the former to be true.  Greed! Should be ashamed! The sanctity of Thanksgiving!  These people are two steps away from showing up with pitchforks and flaming sticks.

However, one could argue the commercialization of Thanksgiving is much like the "Hallmark" holiday Valentine's Day has become.  People should be thankful for the blessings in their lives all year long, not just because the calendar strikes the fourth Thursday in November and it's time for Turkey and stuffing.

As someone who grew up with family members working odd hours, holidays, weekends, and swing shift, a holiday is what you make of it.  Dad works until 5 on Thanksgiving?  Have Thanksgiving at 6.  He works the whole day? Go see him at work and have turkey the next day.

I've worked my fair share of Thanksgiving Days when I worked at Blockbuster throughout my college years.  It was fun most years; regulars would bring us food, my coworkers and I would bond, people coming to rent movies were in such good moods.  Plus I got paid holiday pay, ching ching!

So my point is quit your bitching.  If KMart is open on Thanksgiving and you don't like it, don't go to KMart on Thanksgiving.

Be honestly grateful for what you have because someone out there is thankful for things much less than what you have.

If someone wants to go shopping on Thanksgiving Day, don't judge that.  Is it greed? Maybe.  Is it because the people they love are working to keep others safe that day and their Thanksgiving is another day? Perhaps.  Is it for some other reason that is really none of your business? Absolutely.

Maybe for your New Year's resolution you can resolve to keep your nose in your own life and let others do what they feel is right for them.

Stompin' Apes

We're trying to teach Munchkin to not be afraid of bugs.  He loves to be outside but will run screaming for the hills any time he sees an ant, a bee, a spider, a cricket, etc.  We taught him that he's bigger than ants (or "apes" as he calls them) and that instead of being scared he can just tell them to leave him alone.  This resulted in him "stompin' apes" and yelling "get outta here, apes".

Bees.....well bees suck so we both still run screaming anytime we see one.

Crickets frighten the bajesus out of him (they are quite shifty).

Butterflies are alright with him now.

This morning, Munchkin pointed out there was an "ape" on the ceiling.  I look up and there's a large spider directly above the sofa.  Munchkin tells me to "whack with magagine" (kill it with a rolled up magazine).  The flaw in this plan is I'm 5'2" and can't quite reach with a magagine without the possibility of said spider landing on top of said Munchkin.  So I calmly tell him we'll leave the spider alone and he'll leave us alone, all the while keeping a keen eye on the stupid spider I can't reach to kill.

"Where pider, mama?" Munchkin says a few minutes later.  I look up......where the fuck is the spider?!!?

In the interest of keeping Munchkin calm and not making him freak out and cry, I calmly tell him that the spider probably went home.  Calm, cool, collected.  No big deal.

The dialog inside my head went something more like this: "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. where did it go? It's going to come at me. It's going to DROP FROM THE CEILING and come right at me!!! oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."

That's right; calm, cool and collected.

This is Your Brain on Drugs

Actually, this is what happens when your dishwasher is full, you have a few things left over and hide them in the oven because you have company coming over in 5 minutes, then forget anything is in the oven and pre-heat said oven for dinner.

Maybe next time I'll hide stuff in the microwave.  Ironic since I just posted this a week ago. Apparently this is Exhibit A on why you should check the oven before preheating when you have a 29-year-old. 

Looks like I'll be needing the super sized margarita glass with dinner tonight.

I Have a Problem

When do you know you have an addiction?  Because I'm pretty sure I have one.

An addiction to coffee.

I think about coffee all day.  I wake up in the morning excited because I get to have my coffee.  If for some ungodly reason I don't get my coffee in the morning, my body sends itself into withdrawals and I get a wicked awful headache no amount of coffee can rid me of.

The most telling sign:  I can't wait for my coffee to brew in the morning so I pour myself a cup of the boxed International Delight iced coffee while I'm waiting for my hot coffee.

.....what?  Doesn't everybody do that?

I feel like John Pinette. "I need coffee in the morning or I can't talk.  I need coffee to wait in line for my coffee."

Exhibit A

This is why you check the oven before preheating when you have a toddler.

Conversation between Munchkin and I:

Me- "Munchkin, what is this?"
Munchkin- "I cookin' eggs!"

Of course you are, little man.  Of course you are.

Melt my heart.