There's an episode of "Sex and the City" in which Miranda realizes people wear masks when it comes to things you think others may judge you for or you're insecure about. You're married but don't want kids? When someone asks for the 1000th time when you're having kids, make a joke about wanting nice furniture without chocolate stains. Pushing 40 and not married? Make a joke about being the ultimate single gal.
My mask? Having a second baby.
I was told by my OBGYN that I shouldn't think about having a second baby until G-man is 2. I kept thinking that was forever away and to not think about it until the time came. Well, believe it or not, G-man is 20 months old (pause for gasps!). I know, I'm not sure how it happened either but the fact is he's pushing two years old. At my last blood pressure check (passed with flying colors, thank you very much!) my doctor mentioned we may want to start some blood panels and tests to possibly get ready for our next. "Our next what?" "Your next baby." I almost fell off the table.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that it's been almost two years since our mini bundle of joy burst into this world and, between you and me, I'm fricken' scared to death to even think about possibly just entertaining the idea of another pregnancy.
I volunteer at the NICU G-man was born into so it's not like I've completely forgotten what it's like to be there, but somewhere between his first smile and his first steps I blocked out just how incredibly terrifying and awful it was.
If you know me, you know that I generally have a sarcastic or witty comeback for just about anything. My "second baby mask" is no different. When someone asks me if we'll have another, I make a joke about how G-man is more than enough for us, sometimes too much, hahaha (see the mask?).
Truth is, I want another baby. I want G-man to have a sibling and I always saw myself the mom of two. However the reality of it is we were extraordinarily lucky to both come out alive the first time. We have an absolutely amazing son I wouldn't trade for anything and I'm terrified to my core of having another preemie or worse. Maybe one will just have to be enough.
Plus, G-man is the light of my life and when you hit a hole-in-one, you stop swinging. (see what I did there? mask!)